BILAMDE (ILAM)

10 November 1820

My dearest Prince Ilam,

I hope this letter finds you in good health. I am well, but have been missing your laugh all this time. I have a good news for you, I will be back in two days or maybe tomorrow by the time you will get this letter.The reason I had to go have finally been accomplished. The British crown have agreed to our independence for now, but they have a condition. They want us to sign a subsidiary alliance with them. So, unfortunately I won't be coming back alone, they are sending their man too. But you don't worry, we can handle it. I will brief you more when I reach. Meanwhile don't forget to do your sword practice.

Take care of the kingdom and yourself too.

Your

Baba Sa

I folded the letter and set it on the dressing table. Finally Baba Sa was successful in his diplomatic endeavours. I was never in favour of talk with these Firangis but he insisted, not every war is worth fighting.

It has been a week since he departed to meet the Viceroy in Calcutta or rather the Vultures.

I looked myself in the mirror while I removed my turban and moustache.

Yes, I was born as a girl but from birth I was made to live like a boy; the future prince of the kingdom. It was not a choice rather a

compulsion, a necessity, an attempt to protect our kingdom from the britishers and their cruel Doctrine of Lapse. These vultures have set their eyes on us as they waited for us to make one mistake and then they get to feast on us. The same way they did by capturing Satara and Jhansi.

For now, they believe that Beramgarh has a male heir and we let them believe it.

The jingling of payals from behind me pulled me back from my thoughts; she was finally here.

"I bought what you asked me to get." Supriya said, forwarding her hand as if handling me a secret weapon.

I took it and my face lit up with happiness on the sight of it.

"Bai sa, don't you think it's reckless to do this." She said nervously.

"No, it's not, these are just payals and stop calling me Bai sa, it's Bilamde for you." I said as I sat on the stool and begin to fasten the payals that she bought me.

"Bai sa but how can I call you by your name, you are the princess of this kingdom and I am just a servant." she said while adjusting her saree pallu on her head and looking around to make sure we were alone.

"You are not a servant Supriya, you are my best friend, my confidant and one of the only person after baba sa and Rajpurohit ji who knows the truth, that I am not the Kuwar sa the kingdom thinks of, that I, I am not a man. I am a woman." I said as I held Supriya's hand as if to make her understand that she is more than just a servant for me; she was my best friend, she was just like a sister to me.

She nodded and smiled through misted eyes. I engulfed her in my arms and patted her back lightly.

"Umm.... By the way you might have got to know that baba sa is finally coming home right." I said while breaking the hug.

"Bilamde I know that look of yours, no we cannot do anything reckless that might put you in danger." She said already sensing what I was about to say.

"No, nothing reckless its just I wanted to gift my baba sa something on his arrival and I want to select it myself. So will you sneak out right now with me, to go to the market?" I asked half expecting what her answer would be.

Her eyes widened and she looked at me as if I said something foolish.

"No that can never happen, if Rana sa gets to know that you sneaked out alone that too in his absence, I will be beheaded." she said fumbling with terror.

"Firstly, I will not be alone, you will be there with me and secondly, baba sa will never know that something like this ever happened." I said while trying to sound convincing to her.

She shaked her head in refusal again and now I had only one choice left which I knew she won't be able to refuse.

"It's your Bai sa's order Supriya."I said authoritatively.

And I saw the defeat in her eyes which always shows up when she knows she has no other option left.

She sighed and said,"Okay, but promise me that we will come back before the sunset and you will not talk to strangers."

I nodded happily while forwarding my hands,"You know what to do."

She huffed and left my room.

After some time I heard Supriya's payals as she bought her clothes for me,"Here."

I took it and went to change.

We have done this before, more than once. It has been our thing. Whenever I insisted to go outside the palace, I dressed up like a girl and wore Supriya's clothes so that I might pass unnoticed, to walk among our people like a regular person.

The market was bustling with people. Colors moved everywhere, bright textiles swaying, glittering ornaments catching the sun in small flashes. There was a low constant hum, voices bargaining, laughter and the occasional call of merchants praising the quality of their goods. The air carried the warmth of sun and the earthy smell of dust, layered with the rich aroma of spices.

My eyes landed on a shop selling gajras and jewelleries.

I dragged Supriya with me towards the shop.

As we were browsing through the jewelleries, a loud and painful cry pierced through the air.

I searched for its source, but I was shocked at the scene in front of me.

A British officer was beating an old tea vender with a stick as he begged for mercy.

"You filthy peasant, how dare you asked for money from me, huh?! Have you forgotten that you Indians are dirty shits that are not even worth to be stuck under our boots." The officer barked and stricked the stick again.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

Each followed by a chocked wimper and soul shattering scream.

I clenched my fist to control my anger as a lone tear sliped out of my eyes.

As I was about to intervene a hand seized my arm.

I looked back to see Supriya shaking her head in refusal,"Bai sa, you promised me."

I took a deep inhale and squeezed my eyes shut as one more cry pierced through the crowd. If mercy lived ones in their heart, it is long dead now.

Supriya dragged me back to the palace but in that moment I promised myself that; one day, they will answer for this.

And until then, I will remember.